Monday, 17 August 2015

How To Survive A Night Out As A Mum

How to survive, you might ask?  Thrive more like.  But for me, it's all about survival.  The anticipation of a child free night, followed by fun and debauchery to be sandwiched in by hangover hell makes the entire night out after children an ordeal worthy of a survival kit - so here we have it.

1. Choose your comrades carefully - you need to be judged like you need a hole in the head.

2. Buy your own weight in paracetamol, bananas, Yop! and bacon.  You'll need supplies the next day and you wont want to be going to the shops for it during hangover hell.

3. Don't get too giddy; try and keep in mind the last time you went out and threw up in the taxi on the way home due to excitement inspired over indulgence, I-may-never-taste-freedom-again-so-I'm-having-another-cocktail drink-a-thon.  You'll need that £40 taxi clean up fare for point 11 (bribery).

4. Get ready a nano-second before you leave the house lest you be covered in chocolate from the bribe you gave your kids to behave for the babysitter/to reduce your guilt.

5. Series record Peppa Pig/Hey Duggee/any crap they love - see point 11.

6. Refer back to point 3 - keep that giddiness in check.  Remember those old(er) ladies you used to see downing the Pinot with their equally desperate-to-have-a-good-time-to-prove-I'm-not-past-it mates, over excitedly gawping at your latest pull whilst you thought 'That'll never be me'?  Yeah, that.

7. In a grown up, completely classy way, ask for a tonic water in between each drink to help with Hangover Hell.  You're friends will be mightily impressed that you're managing this (and you can always nip to the ladies and slip a nip of gin in there when no one's looking).

8. Whilst the temptation to go out with a bag that isn't the size of a pram is oh-so-tempting, think again.  We aren't as young as we used to be. You'll need: Paracetamol, phone, keys, purse (obvs), flats (and room for your heels once you've kicked them off to prance about to Abba), a hairbrush (I can't pull off that tousled look the young uns are going in for), make up (I didn't sleep last night; concealer is a must for mums) and spare cash for when you leave your purse in the ladies.  Also see point 7.

9. The second you step through that door get a pint of water, a banana and a couple of paracetamol in you.  You'll thank yourself the next morning.

10. Take off your make up and brush your teeth; you want your family to be kind to you the next day and you don't want to look like Kiss without make up whilst working on point 11.

11. Bribe everything that moves.  Husband/Partner - to get out of bed with the kids (do whatever it takes here but remember you can't go back on a promise or you'll be screwed next time - possibly literally).  Children - to shut the hell up and watch Peppa Pig re-runs (see point 5).  Other close family - Repeat after me 'please just take them away, all of them, and find food whilst your at it - go to Maccy D's - I'll pay!'

11. When you wake up, inhale carbs like there's no tomorrow and knock back that Yop!  It's kill or cure but sometimes, needs must.

Disclaimer.  None of this is referring to personal experience, despite photographic evidence to the contrary.  None of it.  Nada.

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